Volume 75
Volume 76
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Volume 79

Foray into the bathroom


Published (Volume 76, No. 3)


Mission Impossible
Foray into the bathroom

The mission you have undertaken
Is fraught with danger
There are booby traps everywhere
That could result in pain,
Or worse, death
This is no place for the faint of heart or the weak in spirit
Welcome to
Our Bathroom

Your mission
To utilize toilet, shower, and sink
And escape with your life
Your tools
A towel
A bucket
Some soap.

The enemy will expect you to be practical
The enemy will expect you
To walk in the room, and turn on the light
Or worse, plug a lamp into the outlet
And by flipping that switch
You will receive the last
Electrifying shock
Of your life
Beware, my friends and comrades
Of the light switch of death

The enemy will expect you to step quickly
To lose your footing and fall facedown
Into the yellow disgusting waters
Of your own destruction
Step carefully, and you will overcome this obstacle

Proceed directly to the toilet
But with caution
A new version of the old Chinese water torture
Has been developed specifically
For this situation
Be swift, or the steady drip
Onto your temples
Will drive you to screams of insanity.

As for the washing of hands,
Immediately afterwards,
Pay no mind to the random faucet vibration
It is intended as a distraction
To cause you to lose your focus
And emerge unprepared
For the largest challenge of them all
The mist of fire.

Although it appears soft, soothing, and gentle
Deception is its middle name.
Preset the temperature if you dare.
However, no man who steps into this shower comes out unscathed.
Flashes of scalding water
Will sear the skin from your bones.
There is no escape from this agony.
You must endure.
You must persevere.
And if you should survive
You will earn the right to be called
One of the few, the strong, the proud,
The McCord residents.

This message will self-destruct in 5 …

Crystal Zanders is a junior International Studies major from Clarksville.