As I began preparing to wrap up what will be my last fall semester at UTM, looking forward to the spring semester when I will finally graduate, I began to reminisce.

I have learned a lot since getting here a long long time ago. So many things, in fact, that I couldn’t possibly list them all.

But there are also things that I still don’t know, am glad I don’t know, and some things I have just come to accept that I will never understand. I thought I’d share a few.

• Is there anything so sad, yet strangely enjoyable as “that guy” who thought he was too cool for an umbrella? Apparently he’s not too cool to sit in class soaking wet getting chaffed.

• Okay, I’ll say it - you, the physically able bodied people, who use the elevator to go up one flight of stairs...... are LAZY.

• Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that we, as adults, were messing up the whole “how to use the crosswalk” thing so badly, that the university had to actually pay money to post signs on how to cross the street and not be run over?

Speaking of crosswalks, is it wrong to love it when the NASCAR hopeful blows by you down University Street only for him to slam on his brakes at the crosswalk as you pass him because the pedestrian started on your side and is out of your way.

I love that. They should bottle that feeling and sell it.

And furthermore, would it kill people to actually not be offended that someone is crossing the street?

I have seen the looks on the faces behind the wheel. some of these people look like I have just put their grandmother in a full nelson simply because I am crossing the street (even after I have carefully stopped to read the directions).

The worst part is when they feel the need to slam on the gas as soon as I am one inch away from their vehicle.

These people need a hug.

• Is there a more thrilling part of the day than the race for a parking spot in the Humanities/Gooch parking lot?

Seriously, you become the sworn enemy of every other car, circling the lot looking for spaces, and when one opens up, the race is on.

There are no manners or rules of etiquette in this. Go for blood. Man, I love this game.

• Nestle’s vanilla milk is one of the greatest advancements of science in the last 100 years. This is a fact.

• I recently subscribed to cable after a year and a half of no Sportscenter.

I was startled to find that there were two comedy central channels.

Then I realized the second one was TBN.

As a Christian, I would just like to say that to think that all Christians are even remotely as unintentionally hilarious as most of the people on TBN is a comparison I just can’t accept. TBN = Totally Bogus Network, I can’t take it anymore.

• You know what? There is no child in Botswana whose dying wish is to forward an e-mail around the world. Please stop sending this to me.

• Has anyone else ever wondered what the “I’m sorry, the number you have reached is disconnected or is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again” lady actually looks like? Is she really sorry? I need to know these things.

• Does anyone else predict that 3J’s will soon take over Wal-mart? Mark my words....

• Does anyone else nearly wet themselves at the fact that our ladies athletic teams rock the planet?

• What happened to the word “krunk”? I was just learning how to use it.

• I have discovered that there is a black hole between my apartment and the university. No matter how early I leave, I will always be late for class.

• Is anyone else holding their breath in hopes that “The Wonder Years" complete DVD set will happen one day?

• If one more person calls me on a Saturday morning before noon and asks “Did i wake you up?”, I will light my phone on fire.

• People who talk while the professor is talking are rude, insensitive, and, not only that, but they never whisper loud enough for me to hear them.

• What does a guy have to do get a Chick-fil-a in Martin? I mean, c’mon, we have more pizza, Mexican and Eastern eateries per capita than Los Angeles.

Everything else is a hamburger. Martin needs a Chick-fil-a. I need a Chick-fil-a. I don’t ask for it, I demand it.

• Does anyone else ever get the urge to hijack a mower on the quad and spend the day mulching?

• Why is there no nap time in college? In kindergarten, a poor woman at her wit’s end exhausts herself trying to make five-year-olds who have done nothing but, color, cut and paste all day, lie down and be still.

Are you telling me that discussing the innermost workings of the human soul and and the metaphysical possibility that I don’t even exist doesn’t merit me a one hour. nap credit? This needs to happen

• Does anyone else purposefully set their clocks ahead so they wont be late??

Does this really work? All it accomplishes for me is making me say “Wait, I’m not ten minutes late, just five.”

• When I got on-line to register, I was informed that I had two holds.

Both holds stated that they would remain valid, unless I consulted my adviser, until 2099.

I am not making this up. 2099. I don’t know if that’s funny, or if it should hurt my feelings.

• One of the worst physical discomforts any human can face is when your sock gets twisted in the toe of your shoe as you walk to class. I hate that.

• Ok, I’ll ask. Does UTM have a more obvious mascot than the squirrels that scurry across campus?

I hereby boycott the Skyhawk and pledge my allegiance to the squirrels of UTM.

• Whenever I see someone wearing a turtleneck, I cringe. I can’t think of a more uncomfortable piece of clothing.

It feels like some malnourished six-year-old has their hands around my neck feebly trying to choke me..... ALL DAY LONG.

I refuse to discuss this further........ I can’t breathe.

• Are you trying to tell me that there are still enough people in America who watch “America’s Funniest Home Videos” , to keep it on the air? I refuse to belive this. It’s a conspiracy.

• Secretly, I desire to work for safety and security for one day, just to see what it feels like to give a parking ticket.

I’m a sicko, I know.

And finally, this week’s top five things that make me want to light myself on fire...

1.) People who park crooked taking up two, sometimes three spaces. These people should be flogged at noon in the quad.

2.) Girls who act as if they have no idea that their undergarments are sticking out a good foot past the top of their pants. No one wants to see this. Either wear a longer shirt or get taller pants.

I will not argue about this.

3.) Fast food employees that act as if I have inconvieniced them by visiting their establishment. Please refrain from throwing my food in a bag and saying “Here”. A little smile goes a long way.

I used to wait tables. I bet if cashiers and drive-thru window workers worked off of the tip sytem, this madness would cease. So let it be written, let it be done.

4.) The sidewalks on campus.

Is there a reason there is not one sidewalk that goes straight across the quad from one building (with classrooms) to the next? Just once I would like to go from Humanities to Fine Arts without having to walk by 3 J’s.

Until this is remedied, all tardy policies must be abolished. And at last..

5.) Having someone else’s picture on my parking sticker. Whose idea was this? What if the person on my sticker is my arch enemy?

What if it is my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend that someone decided were just so darn cute that they would photograph them in one of those “this pose never occurs in real life” pictures that is then printed on my stinking parking sticker.

And you want me to put this on my truck... TWICE so that wherever I go they are in front of me as well as following me? I will now drink my windshield wiper fluid.

Pass the matches.

Stephen Cavness is a senior music major who lives in Martin and really, really, really wants a Chick-fil-a.