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Counselor's Corner

“Watching Mom and Dad Fight”


Growing up with parents who fight is tough on kids.

I recently gave a workshop on what happens to kids who have to deal with violence between their parents.

It is estimated that between three and 10 million children each year witness parental violence. Many college students have terrible memories of physical fighting among the adults in their household. Some of them are still worried about their parents’ safety and well-being when they go away to college.

What do we know about the after-effects of growing up in a violent household?

Not surprisingly, it is often difficult for young adults who have lived with violent parents to trust other people or to feel safe in the world. In a significant number of these families, the kids are also the targets of the abuser’s wrath.

Sometimes, as children become teenagers, they try to intervene in the fighting and get hurt themselves. They may also feel guilty because they are unable to stop the violence.

Usually the direct victim of the violence is the mother in the household. The perpetrator may be her husband or her boyfriend.

In some families, both the adults are violent toward each other, but even in those cases, it is usually the woman who sustains the most severe injuries. Some homes are terrifying places in which to live. The mother and kids never know if the man of the house will come home drunk, angry and abusive. Everyone tiptoes around, trying not to provoke his anger.

Children often know about the abuse even if the adults try to keep it hidden. All too often, children are present when the abuse occurs.

A brave woman who spoke up about her family described how, as a young teenager, she had to drive her bleeding mother to the emergency room after her father had stabbed her.

A study of children who go to domestic violence shelters with their battered mothers found that, on the average, they had each witnessed 60 acts of violence in their home during just the past year.

When a college student has lived with this level of fear and frustration, he or she has a tough road to adulthood.

Often, students feel guilty for leaving their mom or their siblings to fend for themselves with the abuser. Even if the abuse is no longer going on, students may worry that they carry a destructive rage inside them and will repeat what happened in their childhood home.

Some students become “conflict avoiders,” trying not to get angry or to assert themselves because they see all conflict as negative. They wonder what is “normal,” in themselves and in families in general.

They often feel a deep sense of shame about the ugliness that has lived in their home. Having spent their childhoods pretending that everything was okay, it is hard for them to be open with others as young adults.

Fortunately, children can be remarkably resilient. Some of the strongest and most admirable adults I know grew up in families that were horror shows.

They found the strength within themselves and, sometimes, from one or two helpful adults in their lives, to make truly good lives and healthy relationships.

It is often helpful for adult survivors of violent homes to have a chance to deal with these issues in counseling. They may have issues of depression, anxiety or substance abuse that are the result of childhood trauma. The fact that these courageous young people have made it to college is truly amazing. In counseling, they can build on their strengths and lay down some of the burdens of secrecy and isolation that an abusive parent has created in their lives.