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Attention ladies: Train your beau in 10 simple steps

Published (Volume 76, No. 29)

Has spring made your favorite boy-toy go nuts? Does he suddenly spend his afternoons rolling in the sun quad and ogling over bikini-clad models on summer catalog covers?
Don’t let his beer-guzzling buddies turn him into another bad hookup memory. Instead, step in armed with the right tactics and whip that boy into shape. 

Like puppies, guys respond with glee to the right mixture of gentle scolding and kind encouragement.

1. Rub his nose in his own excitement. If you suspect he’s feeding you lines of B.S., trust your instincts and call him on it.  You owe it to yourself not to tolerate bad boy behavior.

2. Muzzle him when necessary. If he can’t say the right thing, don’t allow him to say anything. Forbid communication for a while. Boys learn by what you do, not what you say.

3. Walk him regularly. Boys need lots of exercise. Give him his freedom to roam on a nice, long leash securely fastened to an electric shock collar.

4. Keep watch to make sure he doesn’t run into traffic. Boys like to scurry about, running here and there. If you feel like you can’t ever unhook the leash without losing him, either noose it up tight enough to choke him or let him run far, far away.

5. Keep him groomed and ready to show. It’s important that your guy recognizes that he is your trophy. Clothes that smell like beer won’t cut it. If leaving him notes that say “please wash your jeans” doesn’t work, try slicing them with sharp scissors.

6. Don’t give in when he begs. He must be taught manners. Hold your ground when he’s undeserving of your attention. It is important that he learns not to take you for granted.

7. No barking allowed. If he barks, bites or tries any other aggressive maneuvers, a trip to the pound is in order.

8. Don’t let him go beyond sniffing other dogs. It is normal for him to stop and sniff something new, but if he seems to go beyond a minor sniff, it’s time to cut him loose and pray for an oncoming tractor-trailer to put him in his place.

9. Give him a treat if he does something right. Remember to reward a boy when he deserves it. If he picks you a rare tulip from the botanical gardens, at least it’s a step in the right direction and he should be recognized for his effort.

10. Kennel the jackass if he misbehaves. If more gentle methods of training don’t work, try taking a hiatus from your boy-toy for a while and see if the time apart will teach him a lesson.

When all is said and done, some guys just can’t be trained.  If you can’t train him to your liking, consider finding a new one. 

Nothing is more important than the right fit between you and your furry little buddy.  Though it’s sad to put one to sleep, there are lots of others out there waiting for a new home that will be easy to teach and ready to please.

Grab your favorite handbag and go shopping for a new puppy love. The opportunities are abundant when the summer sun is shining.

Alison James is the author of “I Used to Miss Him … But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide.” She will be at Davis-Kidd in Jackson at 2 p.m., Saturday, May 15. For more information, visit www.improveyouraim.com.